I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
