I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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