His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
