guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize