Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
