I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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