Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
