Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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