I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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