why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
