Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
