So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
