I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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