I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
