just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
