I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
