It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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