I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
