I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
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Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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