The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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