my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Quick, to the slutcave!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize