He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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