Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
