the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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