you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
