oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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