Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
