she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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