i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
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Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila