Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.