I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.