I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.