pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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