Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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