I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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