The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
