What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
