Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
