I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
