I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
