Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
