At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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