someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
