did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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