Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
