guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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