How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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