he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
