2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
