You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
