i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
