Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
