You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
