I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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