i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
