So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
