My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
