Me. At least after what I've been through.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
