if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
