when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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