A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
